Xerxes: King, Conqueror and Horrible Houseguest

Nov 072012

By Mike F

In the 2006 documentary 300, we saw firsthand the might of the Persian army as led by Xerxes I. And while the exact size of the army that stormed over most of the known world is still sort of up in the air (some historians peg it at around 250,000, some at two million), one thing is generally agreed upon by most people that have studied Xerxes and his pals: They really knew how to conquer.

Also, they were enormous dicks.

Sure, it makes sense that an invading army isn’t going to be super-friendly with the locals. But the Persians, while making big innovations in military strategy and “hammering human beings into subjugation through brute force,” were simultaneously creating a How-To guide for every terrible houseguest to be born over the next two thousand years. If Xerxes wrote a book on hospitality, it would be titled “This is Mine Now; Go Fuck Yourself.”

Here’s the basic gist: While on their way to or from a battle, Xerxes accompanied by around 15,000 soldiers and his ridiculous entourage, would naturally have to stop in various towns to rest and eat. When this occurred, the town in question was not only expected to host the army, but to make dinner. And serve it. On handmade gold and silver dishes. To every single Persian that happened to be around.

It’s estimated that creating the dishes, building a pavilion for the king and feeding the Persians would cost around $100 million in current money. That’s enough to buy a terrible MLB team (besides the Cubs). Not to mention the fact that everything in the town would need to be put on hold while preparing for Xerxes’ arrival, dealing with him and his followers and cleaning up the mess they left behind. Basically, one visit from Xerxes was enough to send a town careening into financial devastation.

But that’s not all. The really crappy thing about the Persians isn’t that they demanded a town eviscerate its own economy to throw them a party, but that they then stole everything that wasn’t nailed down when they decided to move on. After dining and resting, Xerxes and crew would pack up all of the gold dishes and silverware made specifically by the town for that one meal and take it along to the next place, where they would repeat the same ridiculous procedure.

There’s one upside to the story. In theory, it means someone in the Persian army had the official job of “Guy Who Carries Around Huge Boxes of Dishes and Silverware.” Which makes the whole thing kind of worth it.

To us, of course. The towns rendered bankrupt by one Xerxes-themed party probably found the idea less hilarious.

The Pope Must Be Crazy: Stephen VI

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Oct 232012

By Mike F,

As a rule, Popes are generally put-together people. A few of them have been bastards, a few of them have been boring, but for the most part they’ve avoided the whole “being batshit-crazy” thing.

And then there’s Stephen VI.

Young Stephen, born sometime near the beginning of the A.D timeline, served as Pope from May of 896 until around August 897. His story before becoming Pope is somewhat underwhelming—Stephen VI was born the son of a priest, then became a bishop (by some accounts against his will) before eventually getting the bump to upper-management. Honestly, we don’t know much about the dude before he became the Pope; it’s sort of like Daniel Craig before he became James Bond.

What we do know, however, is that once Stephen VI became Pope, he promptly lost each and every one of his marbles.

Apparently, Stephen VI was so pissed about a perceived (or real) slight from his predecessor, Pope Formosus, that he ordered Formosus’s rotting corpse be dug up and forced to stand trial for a variety of crimes. He even had the body propped up in a throne for the sake of show—after all, it would have been rude to just leave him slumped in pile behind the witness stand.

The corpse was naturally found guilty of all charges (despite the fact that a deacon was actually put in place to defend it), then stripped of its clothes and dressed in the garments of a commoner.

Oh, and they cut off three of Formosus’s fingers, just for good measure. The body was then buried in a plain old cemetery, before being dug up again and tossed into the Tiber faster than you can say “Romulus and Remus.” The whole thing was such a disaster it actually has an official name: The Synodus Horrenda (or Cadaver Synod).

Stephen VI eventually ended up in jail thanks to the chaos caused by the trial, and was shortly thereafter put to death via strangulation—robbing the world forever of what surely would have been a vast collection of Pope-themed hijinks.

Peter the Great: The Original Hotel-Trashing Rock Star

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Sep 182012

Peter the Great: The Original Hotel-Trashing Rock Star

By Mike F,

Peter the Great is renowned for being one of Russia’s finest leaders, smartest military strategists and the winner of the “Best Moustache in Russia” contest for three non-consecutive years (1678, 1679 and 1681, for you history buffs). He was, as his name implies, pretty great. Peter helped to bring Russia into the modern world, changed up its army, built a navy and generally conquered anything that happened to walk across his field of view.

After all, you’d have to be pretty great to name a city after yourself, right?

But modernizing Russia and invading Sweden aren’t the only interesting things about young Peter’s life—he was also an insane party monster. Case in point: The trashing of Britain’s Sayes Court.

I was going to explain what the Sayes Court was to you, but the Wikipedia entry for it is so painfully British that I’m just going to quote it directly.

“Located in Deptford, in the London Borough of Lewisham and on the Thames Path, Sayes Court once attracted throngs to visit its celebrated garden created by the seventeenth century diarist John Evelyn.”

Whew. You can practically smell tea brewing in the kettle. Anyway, Sayes Court was a big fancy house in the middle of a big fancy garden. Your typical 17^th-century rich-person abode, one that has mostly been lost to the ravages of time.

When Peter the Great visited England for some official “Emperor and Autocrat of All the Russias” business in 1689, he and his entourage used Sayes Court as a crash pad. They stayed for around three months, and damned if they didn’t nearly burn the place to the ground in the process.

Here’s just a quick list of some of the damage Peter and his hooligans caused while staying at Sayes Court:

Expensive carpets ruined with ink and oil
Windows shattered and locks broken
Priceless paintings used for target practice
Anything not bolted down stolen
Some things bolted down (like crystal doorknobs) stolen anyway
Every chair in the house gone (presumably for bonfires)

Additionally, Peter and his buddies wrecked the hell out of the Sayes Court garden by playing a game in which they loaded each other into wheelbarrows and then shoved one another face first through the garden’s delicately maintained hedges.

Total cost of the damages? £350 9s 6d. Which, in 2012 dollars, looks like this: $58,213.92.

Top that, Jagger.

The Business Plot

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Sep 012012

By Mike F

It’s a simple fact of American life: Some presidents just need to go. Whether it’s Nixon after Watergate, Bush after Katrina or Herbert Hoover after everything he did during his single, awful term, some presidents never manage to make it to that hallowed “Presidential” level and are better off slinking quietly into the darkness.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was not one of those presidents.

FDR was the type of president that sends the United States military into France to knock the hell out of some Nazis. He was the type of president that high-fived Winston Churchill on a daily basis. FDR was such a badass that he served four terms as president—the only thing that stopped him from serving a fifth was the fact that he apparently got bored with being alive and decided to run for president of Heaven in 1945.

Naturally, he was also the type of president that scared the rich and powerful shitless.

In 1932, Roosevelt ran against Republican Herbert Hoover – who had been busy tanking the U.S. economy – on a platform of “hope” and “change.” He won, handily, and quickly set about fixing the massive heap of shit Hoover had left in his wake. This meant re-evaluating the way the U.S. did business, and the way the government protected its citizens.

History has shown that if there’s one thing that rich white people hate (besides minorities), it’s the idea that some wheelchair-bound cripple might have the power to dramatically alter the way they live their lives and exploit their employees. Seriously, ask the first rich white person you see and they’ll back me up on this.

And so, the plot to destroy FDR’s presidency began. A group of 1933’s most powerful and famous richies, terrified by the ways FDR’s New Deal might damage their bank accounts, came together in what has to be one of the most poorly planned coups of all time: The Business Plot.

First, the conspirators recruited Major General Smedley Butler to assist with their plot, seeing as how he was a popular war hero and would likely hold some sway over military men (who they’d need for the coup). Next, they outlined their genius plan: Smedley was to walk into the White House and tell FDR to wheel his ass right on out the door.

Seriously. The plan was to force FDR to step down citing his health, then have a new position titled “Secretary of General Affairs” created to run the United States in his place (somehow the Business Plotters overlooked the office of the Vice Presidency). If Roosevelt laughed and told Butler to fuck off (which is what he would have done), the Major General would march an army of 500,000 men on Washington D.C. and make Roosevelt leave the hard way.

Foolproof, right?

There was only one small hitch with the Business Plotter’s brilliant scheme: They forgot to ask Butler if he actually agreed with the idea of a coup before they explained it to him. Which is sort of odd, considering that Butler had campaigned for Roosevelt during the election. As it turns out, Butler was quite a fan of old FDR, and did not take kindly to the thought of a coup (no matter how stupidly planned).

You can guess where it goes from here. Butler played along for a while, then dumped the whole thing in Congress’s lap. Congress, perhaps afraid to break historical tradition by being useful, did exactly jack shit.

No one was ever charged, and the McCormack-Dickstein Committee (the part of Congress that heard Butler’s testimony) actually removed the names of the accused from its public report on the incident to protect their reputations. Everyone involved lived, more or less, happily ever after.

It wasn’t until 1967 that the American press decided to get off its ass and look into the issue, confirming most of Butler’s allegations through the committee’s internal report. Nice work there, investigative journalists of 1933.

Oh, and fun fact? The McCormack-Dickstein Committee later evolved into the House Un-American Activities Committee, which you may remember as the group of jackasses that dragged innocent American citizens through the mud with allegations of communist sympathies.

At least they finally found some bad people to prosecute!

Preston Brooks: The Man Who Litigated with His Fists

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Aug 292012

By Mike F

Okay, stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Two men enter; one man leaves.

It’s more than just a quote from Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome. It’s an actual thing that happens every week in sporting events across the globe. Two men square off against one another, throwing punches and leg kicks until one of the two can fight no longer. The remaining man claims victory and raises his bloodied fists triumphantly into the air.

It happens in boxing, it happens in the UFC—and it happened in the United States Senate.

It started, like many hilarious stories do, with slavery. In 1856, just before the breakout of the Civil War, tempers were flaring pretty hot over whether or not owning slaves should be something the United States continued to support. Some folks, like those in the North, thought ill of slavery, and some folks, like those in the South, enjoyed it thoroughly. I’ll avoid the point/counter-point here, since history seems to have handled it on my behalf (hint: no slavery).

Senator Charles Sumner, an abolitionist known for fiery rhetoric, gave a rousing speech against the horrors of slavery in which he likened slavery to a prostitute and slave owners to pimps. More specifically, he directed a large chunk of his speech at one certain guy, a man by the name of Andrew Butler.

Here’s a clip:

“Of course he has chosen a mistress to whom he has made his vows, and who, though ugly to others, is always lovely to him; though polluted in the sight of the world, is chaste in his sight. I mean the harlot Slavery.”

Sumner was wacky like that. He even picked on Butler for being handicapped.

As it turns out, however, Butler was related to a man named Preston Brooks. And Brooks, a Congressman from South Carolina and supporter of slavery, didn’t really appreciate Sumner’s tone. Or words. Or face. Or….well, he just didn’t appreciate much of anything Sumner did.

Pissed, Congressman Brooks decided to challenge Senator Sumner to a duel. This was, after all, 1856, and duels were generally the way people solved their problems. Newspaper delivered late? Duel. Neighbor eyeballing your wife? Duel. Forgot said wife’s birthday? Duel.

Before the challenge could be issued, fellow South Carolina Congressman Laurence Keitt convinced Brooks that a duel was the wrong path to take, since duels were for people of equal standing and Sumner was more of an asshole than a Senator (on this point Keitt would have found agreement from both sides of the aisle). Brooks agreed, and elected instead to “punish” Sumner for his inflammatory comments.

And so, accompanied by Keitt, Brooks waltzed into the Senate chamber, approached Senator Sumner, and promptly began beating the shit out of him with a gold-headed cane. Sumner, who ended up trapped under a desk, was essentially helpless to defend himself against the blows. Meanwhile, Keitt held the onlookers back at gunpoint, shouting, “Let them be!,” which is the sort of thing you’d expect Vin Diesel to yell at his gang while one of his boys and Paul Walker tussle in a parking lot.

It was a pretty nasty scene. Sumner managed to stagger away from the desk, but quickly fell unconscious. Brooks, committed guy that he was, continued the flogging until his cane snapped in half. Like Daniel Plainview, Brooks was finished. He walked out of the Senate chamber with Keitt in tow, leaving Sumner in a heap.

Brooks ended up resigning for the act of insane violence, but here’s the kicker: His constituents just voted him right back into office. In fact, many of his constituents sent him replacement canes with notes of praise. Sumner eventually recovered, but suffered permanent physical damage from the attack.

Don’t worry though—this story has a somewhat happy ending. When Congressman Anson Burlingame called Brooks a coward for beating the piss out of a defenseless man, Brooks challenged him to a duel. Burlingame accepted happily (and chose a rifle as his weapon), but Brooks backed out at the last minute, making excuses about “not having any balls” and “seriously, you’re right, I’m a coward.”

He never did live it down.

Constitution-Constipation: Behind an Early Political Impasse

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Aug 282012

By Mike F

Ah, the United States Constitution. Besides the Declaration of Independence (which was ruthlessly stolen by Nicolas Cage in 2004), there’s no more beloved, honored or respected document in all of U.S. history. The Constitution is, put simply, the core of everything that is “Murrica.”

Yes, to inveigh against the United States Constitution is essentially verbal treason. You’d be safer burning an American flag on the White House lawn or going hunting with Dick Cheney (is that joke old yet?) than speaking ill of this golden document in the presence of true patriots.

Unless, of course, you happen to be one of the 16 Framers that considered it to be a complete piece of shit.

You see, there’s an untold story about the Constitution—one that our history teachers sort of gloss over when they’re talking about how capital-A Awesome the American Revolution was, and how just-darn-smart the Founding Fathers were to create such a wonderful, efficient government with just a few quills and scraps of paper. As it turns out, the Constitution wasn’t simply birthed effortlessly from George Washington’s gold-plated vagina, then delivered by angels to the National Archives.

Consider this: The Constitutional Convention began in May of 1787 and dragged on until September. Of the 55 delegates that bothered to show up* for the document’s creation (Rhode Island called in sick), only 42 made it to the end. If you’ve ever worked on a group project with more than three people, or sat through a meeting at work, you probably have a good idea of why.

The Constitution, like any document forged by a group, was created through heated arguments, personal insults and (we assume) a massive amount of Chinese take-out. Some Framers thought slaves should count as people, some didn’t. Some thought the president should be term-limited, some didn’t. Some thought James Madison was an insufferable prick, and some didn’t.

The usual.

By the time all was said and done, only 39 of the Framers ended up putting their names to paper. Edmund Randolph, George Mason and Elbridge Gerry all refused to sign for one reason or another, which is why you’ve never heard their names before reading this sentence. Good luck getting a monument now, losers!

The final tally? 39 signatures, 3 dissenters and 13 “I’ve had enough of this bullshit”s. Not exactly a great start.

Oh, and let’s not forget that when presented with the final draft of this holy Constitution, the document that supposedly changed all of subsequent history, both Rhode Island and North Carolina refused to ratify it without further modifications.

Dicks.

*Authors came and went over the course of the convention

Recommended Further Reading via Amazon:

Neil Armstrong – An Ode to One of the Last Greats

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Aug 262012

Editors Note: This article was contributed by Daniel Brown. While it is not, necessarily “dirty” in the usual sense, it provides a tribute to Neil Armstrong that is both hilarious and poignant.

Do you know what was insane in 1900? Flying. So that’s why when The Wright Brothers came back from Kitty Hawk in 1903 with claims that flying was no longer just for the birds people rightfully called them, quote, “Dumb Assholes.” Then they proceeded to make people do something they had never done: Look up and believe “The sky can be ours.”Cut to 1914. What do we, as a species, tend to do with new and wonderful developments in technology? We get better at killing each other and, luckily, we had improved this tech in time for WWI. It’s worth noting, however, that in 1903 The Wright Brothers flew for around two minutes; by WWI planes were flying for nearly half an hour. That means in 11 years planes went from staying in the sky for the duration of *two* Super Bowl commercials to staying for the duration of an entire Simpsons’ episode…with commercials!In 1927 Charles Lindburg does something that nearly 100 men couldn’t do before him: Cross the Atlantic in a plane. To put that in perspective he was around 10 years old when people believed “Flying in the sky” was akin to “witchcraft” or similar to what we would consider “good reality television:” Non-existent.Except Real World: Boston. Damn, that was a good show.

So in 20 years Lindburg goes from that kind of thinking to looking at a plane and saying “Yea, I’m going to get into that giant casket with a propeller attached to it and fly across a very large body of water.” It took 33 hours or, roughly, watching the entire Lord of the Rings Trilogy back-to-back 3 times *and then* watching the entire original Star Wars series. I just did the math and in comparison to the original two minute time of the original Wright Brothers flight that comes out to…

*punches a bunch of numbers in a calculator*
A whole shit-load of more time. That was just 24 years after.

Mid 1930’s humanity starts getting itchy and thinks “You know what we haven’t had in almost 2 decades? A World War. Let’s get this party started right.” Development of the jet engine ramps and now records aren’t about how far can you fly a plane: It’s about how fast can you fly them. The most notable would be the X-1 which in 1945 broke the sound barrier.

That is 32 years from “Can we fly?” to “What has two hands and is faster than sound? This g…..” That last part cuts off because he’s faster than sound. I swear it’s a lot funnier in person.

Now in 1961, 48 years after The Mario Twins figured out how to stay in the air for about 30 seconds longer than I can hold my breath, JFK appears on TV and tells America we’re going to The Moon. Cue a country that gives a damn about science, learning, encourages technology, the general development of humanity and we manage to have Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin land on the moon in 1969. For those that are still counting, that’s 8 years or about 6 years less than the time it took to develop Duke Nukem Forever.

Damn, that was a terrible game.

Since all 5 of you who have probably made it this far are around my age it seems pretty simple now, but declaring that the USA was going to The Moon in 1961 is akin to Obama coming on TV tomorrow and stating we will have a research team near Alpha Centauri within the decade. And you know what?

That would be great. “We choose to go to the Moon, not because it’s easy, but because it’s hard.” That’s a pretty old cliché but the reality is that kind of thinking is how you go from two guys tinkering in their garage who put something in the air for 2 minutes (or a little more than half the time it takes for the world record holder to run the fastest mile) to putting people on The Moon.

That entire transition took place in 66 years or, according to Wikipedia, the lifespan of either Dudley Moore or Joe Louis (both dead) to the very-alive Al Green, Alan Rickman (he’s 66?!?!?), Don McLean, or Donald Trump.

So take it easy, Mr. Armstrong. You were part of a long line of individuals (and there were many more not mentioned here) who looked at the sky, looked back at all the deaths and failures before your attempt, and then proceeded to stroll up to a large hunk of metal and declare we can fly.

I’m a little disheartened that since 1969 we as a species haven’t made quite the same leaps and bounds, but I look forward to a time when people look beyond a lot of the petty stuff here and say “The sky can be ours.”

“The important achievement of Apollo was demonstrating that humanity is not forever chained to this planet and our visions go rather further than that and our opportunities are unlimited.”

- Neil Armstrong

Teddy Roosevelt: Skinny-Dipping Bear Killer

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Aug 262012

By Shari D

He was frequently quoted for his famous diplomacy line, “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” But you know, saying that line during one of his frequent skinny-dips into the Potomac kind of gives you a different mental picture, doesn’t it? And surely, all that naked wintertime swimming he did diminished the size of the stick a bit…

Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt frequently tops popularity charts for American Presidents past, and he really did log some amazing achievements into the annals of history.

Now of course, you would think just being the President of the United States of America would be reason enough to make you legendary. But no, some people just like to be showy…

Roosevelt led the famous Rough Riders in Cuba, which helped catapult him into the Governors office in New York.

From there he became Vice President in 1901, and then when President McKinley was assassinated, he became President number 26, the youngest man ever sworn into that office at age 42.

He was reelected in a landslide victory four years later, and probably could have continued on, but stepped aside, only to try and form a new party a few years later.

He was the first President to ever ride in a plane – actually built by the Wright Brothers themselves – the first to ride in an open car, and was instrumental in building the Panama Canal. In regards to the latter, that made him the first President to ever travel outside of the US (while actively serving).

Maybe it was being sickly and asthmatic as a child, but he went a little overboard embracing the “man’s man” image with macho displays of tough guy swagger and lots of hunting here in America, trips into the Amazon, and safaris in Africa. (Possibly with an oversized gun… you know what they say THAT means…)

And the next time your child cuddles his sweet little teddy bear, you can wrap a bit of history into the warm and fuzzy tale of how the teddy bear came to be. What’s that? You don’t know? Get your hanky ready… On a hunting trip, Roosevelt supposedly ordered the mercy killing of a young wounded bear (who was conveniently dead and unable to confirm who wounded him or how merciful it was to be killed) and a toymaker found that so heartwarming, they asked permission to create a stuffed bear and call him Teddy. Good times.

He was the first American to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize (clearly bears didn’t vote) and he gave away all the prize money.

He even gave a 90-minute speech, after being shot in the chest via an assassination attempt by a local lunatic bar owner…

He did make a last-minute change to his speech opening though; “Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know whether you fully understand that I have just been shot, but it takes more than that to kill a Bull Moose.”

What – you would have gone crying to the hospital? Whiner. Bet he wouldn’t have let you see his precious big stick with that attitude…

Presidents Who Loved “The Strange” (Part I)

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Aug 242012

Is there anything more distinguished in America than the Office of The Presidency?

These are the men who lead our nation…

The ones who steer us into great times of prosperity…

And whom we turn to for guidance in times of turbulence and tribulation…

Today, just as in times past, we revere our Presidents.

Not convinced?

Consider this:

A search on Amazon.com for U.S. Presidents yields 68,295 results…

There are over 30 official Presidential Memorials…

And hundreds more historic sites…

Hell, if President so much as walks past your house, you have a decent shot of getting it registered as a National Historic Landmark.

As Americans, we love our Commanders in Chief.

Now certainly, there’s nothing wrong with that…

But it should be pointed out that, for all of their historic prestige, the Presidents were, at the end of the day, human beings just like you and I.

They went to the bathroom, got in fights with their wives, drank and smoked, and, generally, engaged in unsavory and unwholesome activities…

And perhaps there is no greater American tradition than the Presidential Adulterer.

JFK did it…

Warren G Harding did it…

Clinton was game…

And Jefferson, apparently, would fuck anything that walked…

Presidents seem to love getting a little something extra on the side.

It is with that in mind, that we present to you:

Presidents Who Loved “The Strange.”

Part I. Thomas Jefferson – The Original Poon Bandit

Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826) was the principle author of the Declaration of Independence, a brilliant diplomat, and the third President of the United States.

Also, he would stick his dick just about anywhere under the sun.

Jefferson’s most famous side-action was with Sally Hemings (1773? – 1835), a slave with whom he fathered children. Four of Hemings’ children survived childbirth, and Jefferson eventually freed them (“Thanks for taking our chains off, dad!”)…

Besides Sally Hemings, Jefferson was also reported to have linked up with Italian-English artist Maria Cosway (1760-1838). Now, Jefferson was recently widowed when he was introduced to Cosway, but, the broad was happily married. In fact, Cosway was actually with her husband when she first met J-Town. Their initial encounter took place in Paris (such a romantic city), and the two hit it off right away.

Perhaps being somewhat weary of Jefferson’s horn-dog nature, Cosway’s husband took her with him to England soon after their initial meeting. Rather than give up on this married beauty, however, Jefferson decided to write her a 4,000 word love letter, commonly known today as “The Dialogue of The Head vs. The Heart.”

Can you imagine if the creator of The Declaration of Independence developed a crush on your significant other, and then wrote her a masterpiece of literature in which he confessed his impure feelings? What an asshole!

Jefferson and Cosway’s correspondence continued for the rest of the President’s life, and historians are unsure as to exactly how “involved” their relationship became. Considering Jefferson’s penchant for “the strange,” however, we can only assume that their relationship got quite hot and heavy…

Recommended Further Reading via Amazon:

Elizabeth Bathory – What a Bitch!

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Aug 242012

Wow! Was Elizabeth Bathory Ever a Bitch, or What???

Countess Elizabeth Bathory de Esced was born into Hungarian nobility on August 7, 1560. By all accounts, she had a pretty normal upbringing (for a Transylvanian Countess), focusing on her studies, and learning to read and write in four languages…

At the age of 14, Bathory was married to Ferenc Nasasdy, who gave her a castle as his wedding gift.

Ferenc spent a lot of his time off fighting wars, while Bathory was put in charge of his estate, and the surrounding villages (apparently back then, your village belonged to the closest castle). By all accounts she was a capable leader, and even served as an advocate for underprivileged women from time-to-time.

Between wars, Ferenc somehow found the time to impregnate Bathory a lot, and she had 7 children. Not really relevant to this story, but, just so you know….

Anyway, Ferenc died in 1604, and that’s when Bathory apparently just lost her shit. Most new widows spend time mourning, but Bathory decided it would probably be better if she started torturing, abusing, and murdering girls.

Her first victims are thought to have been local village girls, who were lured to the castle with promises of high paying jobs. Later on, Bathory decided to also go after the daughters of Transylvanian Nobility, and this really pissed them off. Eventually, they got the King to look into the whole “disappearing girl” thing.

By the time Bathory was investigated, it is said that there were over 300 witnesses who had lost loved ones due to this ultimate she-bitch. Apparently, she enjoyed beating her captives, burning their hands, chewing off their skin, freezing them to death, poking them with needles, and sexually abusing them….

YIKES!

Between 1585 and 1610, it’s speculated that Bathory probably tortured and killed somewhere between 50-650 girls (accounts are sketchy, and forensic evidence didn’t really exist back then…).

It is also rumored that Bathory bathed in the blood of those she killed in order to retain her youth… There doesn’t seem to be much evidence to back this claim, but man is it a creepy thought…

She died in captivity on August 21, 1614.

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